A Step-By-Step Christmas Tale:
How to Have Fun as an Accountant with a Mini-Van during the Christmas Season
1) Become an accountant, have a family, buy a mini-van and visit a store in a large
city during Christmas Season and get a fabulous close parking spot
2)
when finished shopping
notice that your back tire is completely flat courtesy of a large nail
3)
using
the"super-nifty-half-toy-half-joke" car jack that comes standard with
most mini-vans manufactured by a
"we're-about-to-go-under-so-we-build-'em-without-using-our-brains"
company, jack up the car.
4)
as you turn the crank a
myriad of times, constantly change your ground position. You'll think you
are just getting better positioning, but it more resembles a sweaty hippo on speed.
5)
after an eternity of chugging,
use cheap napkins to mop the sweat pouring from your face (gotta keep the shirt
nice). No need for a garbage can, the napkins will disinegrate.
6)
try and get the tire
off. Suddenly remember that you have to get the lugs nuts off before you jack
the car up.
7)
Use your favorite
"I-am-not-cussing-but-I-am really-mad" word. Smile at your wife
and tell her all is going well.
8)
crank the car down and
remove lug nuts
9)
repeat steps 3 through
5. This time use double napkins.
10)
take a break
11)
look for spare and be
"delighted" to find it under the front of the vehicle. Dandy,
because you jacked up the back of the vehicle.
12)
repeat step 7
13)
resolve that you are not
bringing the car down, the spare tire will just have to come out with car as is
14)
remove the middle
console between two front seats. Under the console in the floor of the
van is the nut that, when turned, lowers the spare. Using the plastic tool
provided, start turning the crank.
15)
Tell your wife you have
to check under the car to see how it is coming.
16)
Squeeze yourself under
the van where no one can see you and rest for a bit. You'll repeat this
step between most steps from here on out.
17)
Mess with the spare for
a while trying to figure out how to get it off the retaining cable.
18)
repeat step 7
19)
Ask your wife to find
and read about this part of the process in the owner's manual.
20)
She reads and the manual
offers no help. Check that, it is actually wrong and offers negative
help.
21)
fiddle with tire,
holding it up with one hand while jiggling, fiddling, massaging, pushing,
squeezing, smashing, jerking the retaining cord in an effort to free the spare
tire.
22)
repeat step 7
23)
repeat step 7
24)
repeat step 7
25)
repeat step 7
26)
repeat step 7
27)
You’d like to repeat
step 5 but you are out of napkins and there’s a pool of sweat running out from
under the vehicle anyway. You use your
shirt.
28)
You’re exhausted but you
tell yourself that if you hold the spare in one hand while repositioning and
fiddling with the retaining cord you’ll get it this time. I’m not going to waste steps saying it, but
you’ll repeat this step more times than you’ll admit (alternated with step 7).
29)
Lay down under the car defeated.
30)
Listen to your wife read
about it in the owner's manul and this time hear that the cord is long enough bring the tire out
from under the car.
31)
Have your wife turn the crank
from inside the car while you “guide the tire out”; this takes a long time.
32)
Ah, now you can sit up
and fiddle with the tire and retaining cord, so you do.
33)
Finally figure out that
the tabs are supposed to fold in and allow you to thread tham through the tire
to remove the cord, but they can’t fold in because of dirt and grime
34)
No time now to clean
them and do it right, just bang them shove them back and forth.
35)
Eventually you’ll be
able to fold them just enough to get the cord halfway through tire before it
gets stuck.
36)
Spend awhile undoing it
and then bang more dirt out before trying again.
37)
Try again and you get it
all the way through.
38)
You’re tired and you don’t
remember much more other than things seem to happen from there. By the time you regain full coherence you are
sitting in the passenger seat of the van regaining strength through take out Chinese
Coconut Curry with the spare tire on the car and everything put away neatly in
the back.
39)
Don’t go to Walmart tire
center, even if it is the first place you come to. But if you do, get ready to waste a load of time
before being directed to the nearest Discount Tire store.
40) In the end don’t fight the
inevitable. You need two new tires, just pull out the credit card and be glad
someone else is doing it.
